Bad Mood

I'm in like a really unusually bad mood for me today.  I was supposed to be heading to new york for a doc visit but it's going to blizzard so that has been put on hold.  This is great news because I hate driving in snow, and I was tired and grumpy to begin with.  But I'm grumpy and this is unusual.  But really it's truly super super annoying to wear oxygen all the time.  Listen, I am 27, I want to be out doing normal things.  It's really annoying to drag my tubing around, to get it caught on things, to get dressed with it, and listen the other day I stepped on the hose and it ripped off my face and I literally was just so annoyed and frustrated  I started to cry.  It hurt my ears and it really pissed me off and I wanted to punch a wall that I'm really here AGAIN needing new lungs.  And it's just all emotional and annoying and tiring.  And I just needed to vent.  You know what this means, this means I am going to shop online today because this makes me feel happy.  And my bff Lindsey might stop by and maybe watch the black swan with me tonight or at least just make me giggle.  I need giggling. 

Me and my buddy

Today I took my little mini oxygen out with me for the first time in public. It brings about a feeling of relief and anxiety. The relief comes from the fact that passerbys see that I am really sick as opposed to the anorexic thoughts that I know float through peoples heads when they see me, or the snide looks I get when I park in a handicapped spot - well trust me those stop when a 27 year old steps out of a car with oxygen on. All of that equals a lot of relief in what other people think. Why should I care? Who knows but I guess I do. There is some anxiety that comes along with it because EVERYONE looks! It's like you know that old saying: take a picture it lasts longer!

Well this is the start of me and my new buddy...

Dog Holiday (172 photos), by natasha kirker

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My First Book Review - Unberable Lightness

I got the iPad for Christmas and it has made me the avid reader that I used to be again.  It is such a great feeling to read a book! I really love books about people's lives and their experiences more than anything else.  The first book I read on the iPad was Portia de Rossi's Unbearable Lightness.  I have never ever struggled with an eating disorder but I do have a huge passion and love for food so it really interested me.  I was blown away by this book.  I literally could not put it down from the first sentence, it just sucked me into her psyche and her warped sense of herself and her world and her food.  I think many people would not equate having a full blown eating disorder to being something like a crack addict or an alcoholic but that is the feeling I was left with in my gut after I finished this book.  From the time she woke up, to the time she went to sleep, to her dreams, every single thought was about food and lack-thereof, and weight, and diet, and exercise and fat and thin.  It has to be how an addict of drugs feels about getting their next fix, it's like it's an entirely different entity from their body - it is all they can see around them and feel with in them.  It is all they care about at the end of the day.  There is one part of the book were Portia eats 60 calories of gum, and has a complete freak out attack and has to start running in the middle of a parking lot with ongoing traffic and people, like a crazy person to burn off the 60 calories she ingested.  I could feel the intensity as she described it, as she was running up a flights of stairs, two at a time in platform heels, up and down up and down, it almost made me feet bleed.  She was consuming no more than 300 calories a day and thinking it was normal, and thinking that being 82 lbs was normal.  She literally, and she will attest to this, was crazy.  It was more than a full blown eating disorder, it was a complete mental craziness that had taken over her body, a lot of which had to do with her also having to hide the fact that she was a lesbian.  I took away a lot from this book and even though I clearly don't know Portia, I am glad she found her peace, and she found her happiness and she finally found someone that just loved her for her and everything she is (that was something she really yearned for in the book, someone to just love HER.)  I think in a sense everyone has a story and everyone can use healing, so this is a book really for anyone to read.  And I suggest you all do!

Oxygen

It's come to the point where I am pretty much wearing my oxygen 90% of the time.  It's annoying as all hell, but it does help out a bit - my lungs are so so so tired.....  Here is a picture of me tired and crabby with my oxygen on.  My eyes are barely open I know, this tends to happen a lot in pictures hahaha. 

The End of Rocca

Rocca is a restuarant in the South End of Boston that will always hold a very dear place in my heart.  It was one of the first big places to set foot on a street where there was nothing - and that took guts! My mom and I would frequent it, and it was one of her favorites (she was a successful restauranter) And it was in fact that last place I dined with my before before she died.  I will never forget where we sat and what we ate, and what she wore and what we talked about.  She died Dec 17th, and somehow after that I made a big group of her and my friends take me back to the scene of our last dinner for my birthday (which is December 29th) it was bitter sweet.  I often got Rigattoni in a bowl as take out (I used to live right down the street) and I loved it.  It was ooey and gooey and filled with love.  Interestingly enough last week a friend of mine was visiting from LA and I said we have to go to Rocca! We were also so excited that one of our favorite top chefs was now running the kitchen.  To my amazement they sat us where my mom and I last sat.  We had great food.  I started with the Tuna and Eggplant for apps:

We had steak and lobster for our entrees:

 

And we had butterscotch pudding for dessert:

Everything was really fabulous and I am so sorry to see Rocca closed just two days after we were there.  It will always hold a really special place in my heart and I wish it had been able to make it through whatever financial issues they were having.  It really was a fabulous atmosphere with well thought about food....

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all! I hope 2011 brings you all much happiness and great health! I don't really make resolutions but in 2011 I'd like to finally write that book I've been wanting to write and by writing a book I mean finding a literary agent and getting it published..

And here is to new lungs in 2011 and lots of great new adventures :)